Part 3: Managing Friction Without Letting It Define You
In Part 1, we talked about the pressures of constant togetherness, and in Part 2, we explored how overstimulation can lead to all kinds of stress. But now, let’s get into the heart of the matter: friction. You know, those moments where the small stuff turns into big stuff, and suddenly, you’re arguing over who left the socks in the hallway like it’s the end of the world. We’ve all been there, right?!
Friction is inevitable in any relationship, especially when you’re living, working, and homeschooling together under the same roof 24/7. It’s like having a constant buzz of static in the background that only gets louder when everything else is stressful. But here’s the good news: even though friction happens, it doesn’t have to control us. We can handle it without letting it define our relationship.
Recognizing the Source of Friction (It’s Not the Socks)
The first thing we’ve learned is that recognizing the source of friction is crucial. And no, it’s not the socks—although sometimes it sure feels like it! The truth is, the small things that set us off are usually just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not about the missing TV remote or who forgot to take out the trash; it’s usually a buildup of everything else—the overstimulation, the stress of work, and the lack of personal space.
For example, that fight over the lens wipes? It wasn’t about the lens wipes. It was about the fact that we’ve both been running on empty, and suddenly, that little inconvenience was the final straw. We’ve had to remind ourselves that friction often comes from the build-up of everything we’re not addressing. The key is realizing that before it explodes into something bigger than it needs to be.
Communicating Through the Friction (Before It Turns into World War III)
One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned is that when the friction heats up, communication is the best tool to diffuse it. If we’re not careful, frustration can build so quickly that we start snapping at each other over things that don’t really matter. Take the time I was playing with Ethan, being silly, and singing along to a song to make him laugh. I had my headphones in, dancing away, when suddenly Addison started getting obnoxiously loud in the other room. Ethan, of course, yelled at her to “shut up,” which led me to get onto him. I was frustrated because he could’ve handled it better.
Well, some time passed, and the same thing happened again, but this time I didn’t hear Ethan yell. Matt, who was trying to work from the other room, came into the kitchen to get on to Ethan about it. Later, Matt asked me why I hadn’t said anything to Ethan. I told him that I had, but in reality, I hadn’t. I just wasn’t thinking clearly after already being overstimulated and stressed from a previous disagreement with Matt which led me to getting defensive.
Admitting You Messed Up is Hard Sometimes
Matt kept asking why I hadn’t gotten onto Ethan, and eventually, I admitted that I hadn’t heard him that time. It seemed simple enough, but instead of just letting it go, we found ourselves in a back-and-forth argument over something that should’ve been a quick fix. And just like that, what started as a silly, lighthearted moment of play quickly spiraled into frustration.
This is where communication becomes crucial—especially when we’re both overstimulated. Instead of letting our frustrations take over, we have to learn to slow down and talk about how we’re feeling. It’s not always easy, but saying something like, “I’m really overwhelmed, can we hit pause for a second?” helps us reset before we start going at each other like we’re in a boxing ring.
Confessing My Faults
I’ll be the first to admit it: I’m really bad at communicating—about 90% of the time. Whether in calm moments or heated ones, sometimes the words that come out of my mouth aren’t even close to what I meant to say. If I can’t rehearse what I want to say beforehand, it’s almost guaranteed that I’ll end up in a jumbled mess of words and probably trouble. Take, for example, a time I testified at a church event. What I meant to express was that I felt thankful, despite never seeing myself as a pastor’s wife. I wanted to say that God had given me a burden for the souls He’d entrusted to us.
What came out, though? Well, apparently it sounded very different. Members later told me that they interpreted my testimony as if I was saying they were a burden. Talk about a facepalm moment. I honestly wish I’d rehearsed what I wanted to say because, like I said, if I don’t prepare beforehand, I might as well stay silent. It’s definitely left me a little timid about impulsive public speaking, so if I ever seem quiet—yeah, that’s probably why.
What Was I Saying…?
When it comes to communicating how I feel or what I think, my thoughts rarely come out the way I mean them, which gets me into trouble more often than not. This is also why blogging comes so much easier to me—because I can sit down, type out my thoughts, and meticulously go over them until they make sense. In person, though? Not so much. I’ve learned that my memory is awful most of the time, so I’ll say something—or even type something—and then forget where I was going with it. This happens all the time, and I mean all the time.
Take, for example, my recent trip to the salon. I was telling my stylist about how my grandfather’s hair went completely white in his twenties. Well, that was my point, anyway. I started talking, and then suddenly went completely blank. I just looked at her and said, “I forgot what I was saying,” and then, thankfully, she reminded me, and I was able to finish my thought. It’s bad, y’all.
Setting Boundaries to Prevent Escalation (Taking a “Break” Doesn’t Mean Giving Up)
When the friction gets too much to handle, we’ve found it’s important to set some boundaries. And by boundaries, I mean taking a break. I know, I know—it sounds like we’re avoiding the problem, but actually, giving ourselves a break helps us address the issue without letting it spiral out of control.
When Matt and I hit that boiling point, we’ve learned that it’s okay to say, “Let’s take some time and come back to this.” Whether that means stepping outside, grabbing a quick coffee, or locking ourselves in the bathroom for a moment of peace (I’m not above that), a little distance can do wonders. It gives us time to calm down, think clearly, and avoid saying things we’ll regret.
Keeping the Big Picture in Mind (It’s Not the End of the World)
Finally, we’ve learned that it’s essential to keep the big picture in mind when the friction is at its peak. In the heat of the moment, it feels like the whole world is falling apart, but when we take a step back, we realize that it’s just a bump in the road. We aren’t actually each others enemy. This is just something we need to slow down and work through.
I’ll be the first to admit how easy that sounds when everything is currently smooth sailing. And I’d probably roll my eyes at hearing that said to me when I’m in the middle of those kinds of moments. I’m in a work in progress. And I do love and appreciate my husband deeply.
I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had arguments that felt like the end of the world, only to laugh about it later. The small annoyances, the miscommunications, and the little things that cause friction? They’re just part of living together. The key is not to let them define us. We’ve learned to remind each other that our relationship is built on love and trust, and those small issues don’t take away from that.
Looking Ahead: Turning Friction into Growth
In the next post, Part 4: Growing Stronger Through Conflict, we’ll dive into how conflict and friction can actually strengthen our relationship if we handle it the right way. We’ll share the tools we’ve learned to turn these moments of tension into opportunities for growth, understanding, and better communication. It’s not always easy, but with patience and a little humor, we’re learning how to handle it all together.